and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
