My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
