Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
