I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We left the knife in your bed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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