After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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