We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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