In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
