If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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