I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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