i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
