why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
COCAINE IS GR8
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
