He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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