he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
