Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
