I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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