Do you still have your period?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
