I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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