i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
