cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
