oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
