This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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