nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
