theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
