Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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