Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
