They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
