Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize
