I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
