it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
