It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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