I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He has the fingertips of a God
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