Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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