Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
