Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
