My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
