She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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