Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
