Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
