fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
