I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
