you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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