if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
