Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
