if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
