My sheets look like a crime scene.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
