I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
