he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
