imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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