Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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