Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
