I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
