He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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